Dear Friends/Colleagues/Loved &Unloved Ones of The Planet Earth,
I have a important announcement. I have seen satan. He came into my house yesterday, and by the looks of it, he has made his rounds recently. This means he might have made it into yours. Luckily for you, I was able to catch some rare footage of him wreaking havoc on my blessed and holy home:
No, your eyes are not deceiving you. Satan is a cockroach. Or at least his minions are. They are little demons sent to scurry into your homes and cause chaos, pain, and suffering. Let me recount my encounter with you:
I was sitting there, minding my own business, being a good Modern Day Christian — AKA trolling the Homosexual reddit community by pretending to be Barbara Streisand in and AMA and telling them they are going to Hell — When out of the corner of my eye, I saw a shadow move. Now, as I said above, I am a good servant of Christ. I know better than to look too closely at things that bother me. I have been trained obey without question, but there was something unholy about this. I sensed the presence of something demonic… so I looked. There, in plain sight, was Satan chowin’ down on the most unholy burger.
Now how did I know this BEING it was Satan?
Well, because in vacation bible school, AKA VBS, we were taught that as Christians, anything that goes against our religion or that we don’t like, understand, or identify with is the work of Satan.
So, in order to save your souls, here are a few things that alongside Cockroaches are also Satanic:
1. Murderers, Rapists, Criminals, Drug Addicts etc.
They are all possessed by the soul Lucifer. Marijuana is the devil’s lettuce!
2. Barack Obama
Just look at him dancing on that pizza. SATANIC RITUAL:
Also because Fox News said so. Fox News is the new American Bible.
I don’t understand you, therefore I don’t like you, therefore you are Satan:
Evolution? Global Warming? Birth Control? All signs of Satan’s imminent return.
5. Anyone Who Disagrees With Me
So, do you agree? Or are you a devil worshipper? HMM??