How To: Make A Fricken’ Decision

I was at Starbucks.  You know, the place that murdered your favorite B-rated, family owned coffee shop overnight and you barely batted an eyelash in protest? That place. That makes you you, Mr./Mrs. bystander, an accomplice to CoffeeHouse-Slaughter.

You are just as much to blame for creating a safe-haven for high bunned, side-boob showing, millennials come out of their K-holes and request frappuccinos to “Treat Themselves” as Starbucks.  Men have now started wearing their locks in high buns and exposing their areolas as a result of your inability to stand up to the Starbucks monster. I blame you for the hipster movement. I also blame my parents, because I blame them for everything. (especially my inability to take responsibility for my actions)

Anyway, I was at Starbucks, home of sugar-injected caffeine and caffeine-injected middle schoolers. (At least it’s not the reefer, am I right?) I was standing in line, which usually moves pretty quickly as people know the Starbucks menu backwards and forwards, but this time it wasn’t.  The girl in front of me,  a side-boob bun-type of human, was taking her sweet time deciding on what to get.  I heard her ask her friend, “Should I get a Venti or Trenta?” To which I wanted to respond “EITHER IS TOO MUCH COFFEE,” but I decided to say it internally and blog about it instead cuz I have “manners.”

So, I averted my gaze from her to the lounge area AKA cell phone charging station of Starbucks.  There was a man sitting there, sitting by himself, charging his TWO vape pens. YES, TWO.  Now that’s commitment.

That got me thinking.  This man somehow, someday decided it would be a great idea to buy two vapes. In contrast, the woman in line could barely decide on how severe of a caffeine-induced heart attack she wanted to have. It’s either big or bigger, honey. Either way you’re gonna be in the ICU soon.

I think we live in a culture that is terrified of making decisions. Maybe this is because we are afraid that we might accidentally decide to buy two vape pens instead of adidas at the mall.  Maybe it’s just because we don’t want to miss out. Maybe we just don’t know how.

Good thing I’m here to teach you.  Here are the best steps for your to follow every time you want to make a decisions (follow them in order):

1. Make A List Of Pros and Cons:

Shitty things on one side, good things on the other. Ya’ll can’t see me right now, but I’m using my hands as a scale. Like the Libra symbol, except for I’m not as much as an asshole as a Libra.

2. Think About Cost:

What does it cost you? Money? Time? Your Dignity? If it’s a price you’re willing to pay,

3. Kick Your S/O Out Of The Room:

Let’s face it. You can’t even decide what to eat for dinner with your boyfriend in the room. Kick that sucker out, he/she is no help.

4. Call Your Mother:

Phone a friend. AKA your mommy. They always have the best input esp. when it comes to a tattoo hence why I got this one last week.

5. Sleep On It:

Close your eyes, have a nightmare or two about making the wrong decision, falling into a snake pit, and dying.  You’ll wake up ready to make a decision.

If not:

6. Die Deciding:

Fuck it. You’re not going anywhere. Might as well just die trying to decide on that Starbucks drink, kid.